Welcome to Nutty Trains!

Welcome to Nutty Trains!
We are James and Matthew, but seeing as you are here, you probably already knew that. We have been going on nutty adventures for a number of years now, and this website is here to serve as a digital record of them, so that we don't forget what we managed to get up to, and have something to look forward to when we become too fed up of constant work and mental health issues.

Our initial adventures happened partially by mistake, either as school trips, or just as trips that we did in summer 2018, and happened to involve a few trains and were a bit nuts. But soon after, having been inspired by All the Stations, and also being in need of some grand nutty project, that would involve visiting many shitty places along the way, we set off on our first proper nutty train adventure in December 2018, and haven't looked back since!

This is NOT a trainspotter website. We both like trains (especially HSTs and Pacers), but this website is here to record all of our nutty adventures that we get up to, the various places we visit, the twitter bots that have grown up alongside this account and create havoc in our name, and our descent into old codgers as we age. It is much more enjoyable and nutty that way. Ave Arriva!

Nevertheless, our intention remains to eventually visit every station in the UK, (at some point in the distant future), according to the following hallowed Nutty Trains rules, which we adhere to, even to this day:

  1. To say we visited a station we must:
    • Be on a train that stops at the station
    • Take a photograph/video of the station sign
    • Touch the platform
    • Be unblindfolded
  2. Where we deem it amusing, we additionally have the option to:
    • Run down the platform to take a photograph/video of the nearest sign (James' Job)
  3. We are allowed to use public transport (other than trains), to arrive or leave a station, but not both. We must arrive or leave on a train.
  4. We must take photos of ourselves in front of the station sign, when we arrive at notable stations (eg. termini)
  5. On Sampi 1, we applied the Queen Street Clause:
    • We must switch between different sets of doors at every station
  6. From Xi 2 onwards, we can invoke the Angry Conductor Clause where applicable:
    • This allows us to neglect stepping down onto the platform.
    • The station can be ticked off as visited provided that the doors open at the station, even if we did not open them ourselves.
    • If there are no passengers dis/embarking, we must open the doors ourselves
    • We must still take a photograph/video of the station sign
  7. From about Xi 5 onwards, we are now old enough that jumping on and off everywhere is extremely exhausting. Hence, we introduce the Old Codger clause:
    • This allows us to follow the same rules stipulated by the Angry Conductor Clause.
    • Touching the platform is still highly encouraged
  8. These rules apply to National Rail services only. TfL, metro and heritage railways all have similar, but seperate rules.



By late 2019, we had both moved out of Wales. James was busy tearing his hair out due to the terrible service on the Cornish railways (trains don't stop Camborne Wednesdays), meanwhile Matthew was enjoying using the Tube every day, and actually lives next to the Central line. As a result, we realised that the Tube and other TfL services function very differently from National Rail elsewhere, meaning a different set of rules is required:


  1. To say we visited a station we must:
    • Be on a train that stops at the station
    • Step on the platform as a minimum (although alighting is encouraged)
    • Take a picture of the station sign at any station where we alight
    • Tap out roughly once an hour, to avoid maximum journey times
  2. Pre-Covid, during peak hours, we ought to have alighted, switched carriages, and caught the next train
  3. We are allowed to use public transport (other than trains), to arrive or leave a station, but not both. We must arrive or leave on a train.
  4. We are allowed to use any TfL train/tram service, provided we validly tick off the station.
  5. These rules apply to:
    • London Underground
    • DLR
    • London Overground
    • Lizzie Line
    • Tramlink
  6. Our orange table will be organised alphabetically, not numerically, to allow for the provision of multiple lines at each station (until completion)
  7. These rules do not apply to National Rail services in the Oyster PAYG zone. These rules apply only to TfL services.
  8. Further explanation of the rules can be found deep in the back-end of the website











Having separate rules for non-National rail services is all fine and dandy for London, but as we started to venture deeper into the north, we started meeting all sorts of weird and wonderful trams, metro and even tube services! What should we do with them? Well this is NT, of course we need to have separate rules/tables for them! To try and stop James' brain from exploding, Matthew has agreed to combine all the below metros into one giant frankentable. Good luck working this one out.

  1. These rules are very similar to tube rules. To say we visited a metro station we must:
    • Be on a train/tram that stops at the station
    • Take a photograph/video of the station sign
    • Touch the platform (unless exempt)
  2. We must arrive or leave on a train/tram.
  3. We must take photos of ourselves in front of the station sign, when we arrive at notable stations (eg. termini)
  4. Birmingham rules:
    • The trams do not stop for long enough, so here we are exempt from touching the platform
  5. This table will be organised by city, and within each city, the stations will be organised numerically



By the end of our second summer of NT, in the midst of the covid pandemic, we made our first visit to a heritage railway - the Dean Forest Railway in Lydney, and decided that heritage railways deserved their own list of stations too - realistically though, this is just an excuse to ride more steam trains :)

  1. To visit a heritage railway station we must:
    • Be on a heritage train which stops at the station
    • Alight from the train (where possible)
    • Take a photo of the station sign



During Koppa 2, James found out that his new Twitter friends were planning an #IKEAmeansIKEA escapade all around London the day after the UK left the EU. So we valiantly decided to participate in this challenge, only to find our good-faith attempt to gatecrash their challenge and take the piss was rejected. As revenge, we decided to visit all the IKEAs in the UK. We'll show you yet, Hugo! There are only 18* of them! How hard can it be?

  1. To get to an IKEA we must:
    • Use a train to arrive at the closest station to an IKEA
    • Follow all above NT rules at the station
    • Walk to the IKEA, no matter how impossible that may be
  2. To say we visited an IKEA we must:
    • Walk through all the showrooms - no* shortcuts!
    • Visit the restaurant
    • Steal >1 pencil
    • Most importantly, we must purchase at least 1 item of random crap!
  3. We are allowed to leave in the manner in which we arrived, or take the bus. That doesn't matter